Resources

Don't rescue.

Let them experience the full consequence of their disease. Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be "loved" into recovery. Recovering people may need to experience a "hitting bottom." This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use, which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that "truth" and "consequences" are the foundations of insight. Rescuing the person with a substance use disorder from their consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

Don't support the lifestyle by financially supporting the person with a substance use disorder.

Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair bill, loaning money, paying rent and paying a court fine are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the individual allowing them to avoid what may be natural and necessary consequences that inspire the person to seek help.

Don't analyze a loved one's drinking or drug use.

Don't try to figure it out or look for underlying causes. There may be no underlying causes. Substance Use Disorder is a disease. Looking for underlying causes usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This "paralysis by analysis" is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issues of the illness itself.

Don't make idle threats.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the person who is using substances. . Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the person actively using alcoho or drugs.

Don't extract promises.

A person with a substance use disorder is not inclined to keep promises. This is not because they don't intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments. Extracting a promise typically increases anger toward the loved one.

Don't preach or lecture.

Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted. A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. 

Avoid the reactions of pity and anger.

These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount, or more, of pity will be felt for the person using substances once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members: they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. If anger can be avoided, then so can pity. The family can then follow through on their decision to not enable.

Don't accommodate the disease.

Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family's home, lifestyle and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up money and other valuables; not inviting guests for fear that the person with the substance problem might embarrass them; adjusting one's work schedule to be home with the person; and planning one's day around events involving the person.

Focus upon your own life and responsibilities.

Family members must identify areas of their lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the person with the substance use disorder. Other family members, hobbies, jobs and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the person abusing substances and the inevitable series of crises. Turning attention away from the person and focusing on other personal areas of one's life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.